When we picture “motherhood”, we often picture spring flowers, warmth, joy, and celebration. But the reality is that there is great joy and deep sorrow in the transition to becoming a parent. Parenthood is fraught with such conflicting experiences and it can be so isolating because of the guilt and shame we experience for even having these emotions. We tell ourselves this isn’t what parenthood is supposed to be like, this isn’t normal, we’re being ungrateful and that others would be shocked to hear this. But that is such a lie and we need safe spaces in our communities and cultures for parents to express the good and the ugly, to grieve, to be heard, to be seen, and to know that they are not alone.
Culturally, grief is often the last thing we’d expect to be associated with the birth of new life. Literally, a new human is being brought to life; this is a blessing and a gift! And yet, there is real grief and loss experienced as we come into parenthood. Unless we learn to see and mourn our loss, to experience our pain, we cannot experience compassion and love.
As early as pregnancy, loss can be experienced in areas such as:
careers
financial security
freedom
friendships
relationships with our significant other
bodies
schedules & routines
hobbies & interest
We may not experience all of these losses, but most parents experience a transition through these areas. Others, with good intentions, will often respond with “you’ll get it back” or “it’s only for now.” For example, “you’ll get back to your pre-baby weight and be able to fit into those jeans again” or “don’t worry, your career will get back on track once you return from mat leave.” While these statements may be true in some instances, these things will likely never be the same AND even if we “get it back” it doesn’t negate the fact that a loss has been experienced, and often it’s not one loss, it’s multiple losses we are trying to grieve as we also try to experience the joy and blessing of motherhood.
So it’s okay to say “it sucks that my career is on hold’ because it does suck! It is hard, that we can’t go have dinner with our friends the way we used to, it is sad to see my body change and grow though I know it’s sustaining new life. Admitting these truths doesn’t mean that we love our child any less, it just makes us human, and acknowledges the loss that comes with new life.
I also want to acknowledge the loss that comes with miscarriages, stillbirths and infant death. 1 in 4 (possibly as high as 1 in 2) pregnancies result in miscarriage, 1 in 100 pregnancies after 20 weeks are affected by stillbirth, and 6 in 1000 live births result in infant death. Pregnancy or infant loss is such a common occurrence and yet many women and families suffer in silence and isolation. This is not how it should be and learning to talk about our own grief and loss opens the door for others to do the same.
